Mother’s Day is coming up. This is a tough one for me. Not as a daughter but as a mother. It is a day that I am reminded of how society often disregards the other mothers of the world. I am one of those other mothers.

The number 1 question every woman is asked is, “Do you have children?” You might think this is a simple yes or no answer; it is not. Many women “have” children but did not actually “have” them. It is a complicated question to answer. Some women struggle with how much of an answer to give, I know I did.

I raised 3 children. I changed their diapers, wiped their snotty noses, made their lunches, consoled their hurt feelings, drove the carpool, gave up my own dream of going to graduate school, stayed home from work with sick kids, lost my hair during their teenage years and many nights of sleep. I laughed, cried, enjoyed, loved and hated parenting. But, when someone asks me if I have children and I say yes, I feel like I am not telling the whole truth. I do have children, I have 3 but I did not birth these children, my partner did and we have raised them together with her ex-husband and his wife. If I tell people the whole story their response is often “oh, you are not the real mom.” Being labeled “not the real mom” made it so I was not allowed to ever complain about parenting or my kids because if I did other mothers would say, “it’s different when it is your kid, or you wouldn’t understand since they are not actually your kids”.

These comments from others often shut me down, hurt me and made me wonder if it was okay to say yes I have kids. These comments also isolated me from the “Mom’s club” I wanted and needed so badly to be in. The Mom’s club is any group of moms that becomes friends because of their kids, moms at the park, moms who have kids in the same class, etc. They hang out together while their kids are doing  activities and provide support to each other, share their trials and tribulations of raising kids and learn from each other. I felt so alone as a mother. I felt ashamed wondering what the other mothers thought of me. I was young, I was a lesbian and I was the cause for my partner’s (the real mother) divorce. Looking back now that my kids are young adults I realize those worries of what the other mothers thought of me were all created in my own head. I never even gave a chance to those other mothers to get to know me. The few that I did allow in throughout the parenting years are some of my best friends now.

I wish I wouldn’t have wasted so much of my mommy years wondering if I was good enough and realized that the fact that I was raising someone else’s kids was BETTER than good enough. I was sacrificing and doing things for those little snotty nosed people that usually only a “real” mother would do. I should NOT have been ashamed, I should have been celebrated. But a mother’s job doesn’t usually come with a lot of praise, I understand this.

The more I have talked with women, the more I have learned that this feeling like an ”other mother” is a common feeling. Even the traditional type of mom often feels like she doesn’t fit in; she’s too young, too old, too fat, too poor, not cool enough, works, doesn’t work, whatever it is, she feels she doesn’t fit in and she isolates herself from the other mothers.

Being in my position, the other mom, not the “REAL” mom and not even the step-mom pretty much makes me the invisible mom when it comes to acknowledgement from society and community support.

I have an idea for a book I want to write about other mothers. I want to interview all the other mothers out there and share their stories. I imagine there are all sorts of women who could identify with being an other mother: lesbian moms, step-moms, adoptive moms, foster moms, divorced moms, single moms, teen moms, immigrant moms, aunts, grandmas and other relatives raising children that are not their own, moms whose husbands are in prison or the military, women who chose not to be moms or were not able to be and fathers who have  taken on the more traditional mommy role are all people whom I’d like to interview and hear their stories. I’m sure there other ‘other mother’s who I  have failed to mention here as well. I’ve been tossing this book idea around in my head for a while but now I’ve decided I am going to do it. If you are interested in sharing your story with me and being a part of this book please contact me to arrange for an interview.

Remembering those we’ve lost. World AIDS Day San Francisco.

Photo by Troy Holden

Beautiful pic of San Francisco City Hall take by Flickr User:  Troy Holden

SFist has some cool pics from World AIDS Day. In Hungary people walked inside a giant condom. And we thought we were the progressive ones.

California ranks second in the nation in cumulative AIDS cases at 157,719, surpassed only by New York. – San Francisco AIDS Foundation

What can you do? Visit  http://www.sfaf.org/get-involved/index.html

Yesterday was National Coming Out Day.

In case you are wondering why we need to “come out”? Why we need to talk about it? Why we have to flaunt it in your face?

Here is the reason: there have been at least 6 gay children (that I know of) who have taken their own life since school started this year. In addition, in the last week there have been 2 more teen suicides right here in Marin County!

Last night I stumbled upon the It Gets Better campaign by the Trevor Project on YouTube.

I just wanted to say thank you to The Trevor Project and all those brave people who participated in telling their own stories.

It does get better! If you are straight, gay or anything in between and feeling alone or hopeless right now please ask for help. It does get better.

The Trevor Lifeline: 866-488-7386
National Suicide Hotline: 800-273-TALK (8255)

Also, wanted to thank Ellen DeGeneres for speaking out.

Before I tell you about all the fun Pride events happening around the bay this weekend I first want to address those of you who grumble things like “why do they have to celebrate pride?, I don’t care what you do behind closed doors, why do they always have to announce it?, and why do they have to use the word dyke?”.

Instead of boring you with my rant (because I could go on and on about this) I’m just going to say one thing.

Lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning youth are up to four times more likely to attempt suicide than their heterosexual peers, according to the Massachusetts 2006 Youth Risk Survey.

-About.com

Okay two things… for those of you who wish I wouldn’t be so “out”…  I get emails, tweets & Facebook messages from closeted people around the country thanking me for what I do. People terrified to come out of the closet because of their fear of how other people might treat them. People living is less tolerant places around this country and the world. People whose parents, friends and family have rejected them because they are gay. To quote Rodney King, “Why can’t we all just get along?” Just a thought: Maybe we could all start celebrating our commonalities instead of fighting about our differences. Imagine a world where we all get along.

Here are some of the gay Pride events going on this weekend:

Saturday, June 26, 2010
San Francisco Dyke March
Rally in Dolores Park 3–7 p.m.
at 18th St. & Dolores St.
World music deejay 12:30–3 p.m.
Stage performances begin at 3 p.m.
March begins at 7 p.m.
$5–$10 suggested donation.

SF Pride Celebration in Civic Center
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Noon to 6:00 p.m. – Civic Center

Sunday, June 27, 2010
San Francisco Pride Parade
Kicks off at 10:30am
If you are coming from Marin be sure to take the special Pride Ferry leaving Larkspur at 8:45am.

SF Pride Celebration
Noon to 7:00 p.m. – Civic Center
The Backstreet Boys will be performing at the Main Stage! (located in Civic Center next to City Hall)

Visit: SFpride.org for more info about all Pride events.

Pride events in Marin & the North Bay
Faces of Spectrum

Sunday, June 27, 2010
Golden Gate Ferry adds extra service for the Pride Parade

Saturday, August 14, 2010
Marin Pride 2010

Photos from the 2009 SF Pride Parade

Another reason why I love the Bay Area so much! We have the coolest futon store ever! Mary’s Futon is hosting a comedy show in her store! You actually get to sit on the futons while you watch comedy. I’ve been before and it’s a great show! This time one of my favorite comedians, Julie Goldman will be there!

The show is on Sunday, June 13th, 2010. Doors open at 6:30pm.

More info here: http://marysfutons.com/Futon_Comedy_94903.html

All Beverage proceeds benefit Spectrum LGBT Center of Marin
Join us for our no-host bar before the show,
And help us celebrate Paula Pilecki’s Birthay!

*warning strong language in video

Sometimes Sunday’s are a drag but not this Sunday! Today our daughter turned 18 and we celebrated by taking her to brunch at Harry Denton’s Starlight Room located at the very top of the Sir Francis Drake hotel in San Francisco. This isn’t just any old Sunday brunch though, this is a drag show brunch!

We parked at the Sutter/Stockton Garage (great location) and walked to the beautiful entrance of the Sir Francis Drake.  Before heading up to the 21st floor we took in the scenery for a bit. The Sir Francis Drake is decorated with beautiful old chandeliers.

At 11:00am, our assigned seating time all 8 of us filed in to the elevator and headed up, up, up. When we stepped out of the elevator on to the 21st floor we were greeted by a friendly host that showed us to our table (located directly in front of the stage!) Some of us (that were older than 21) started out with Bellini’s (sort of like a peach Mimosa), then we headed to the buffet. So many choices! We were having a hard time deciding if we were in breakfast mode or lunch mode so we did a little bit of everything. Fresh salad, deviled eggs, smoked salmon, bacon, sausage, French toast, omelets, fresh fruit and the best chocolate covered strawberries EVER! I think we had more than our fair share of chocolate covered strawberries. We were bringing plates full of strawberries back to the table.

The show started promptly at 12 noon with Donna Sachet as the hostess. My favorite act was the Cher, If I Could Bring Back Time. It was hilarious! I’m not going to share too many details because this is the kind of show you have to see yourself to appreciate but Cher came out with a glittery walker.

I’d describe Harry Denton’s Drag show as good, clean, old-fashioned drag – perfect for any 18 yr olds b-day.

The iPhone camera did not do these beautiful Divas any justice.

After the show we walked the brunch off by heading to Union Square. It was a beautiful sunny day in San Francisco today so we sat in the sun for a bit in Union Square plaza and then headed to Chinatown for some people watching and shopping.

The wonderfully funny Kate Clinton is coming to Marin! Kate is hilarious. I saw her perform a few years ago. I know the tickets are selling fast so I wanted to get this up before they run out.

This show is a benefit for Spectrum LGBT Center in Marin for their Youth Leadership Action Program. The Youth Leadership Action Program trains youth to be leaders to make their schools safe and inclusive learning places for all.

The performance is on May 2nd at 6pm at the Osher Marin JCC.

To purchase tickets go to: http://spectrumlgbtcenter.org/Kate-Clinton.html

Listen to Kate talk about her upcoming performance at the Osher Marin JCC in San Rafael on Sunday, May 2nd.

Tickets: www.spectrumLGBTcenter.org
(Kate said .com she meant .org) 

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Thinking of you in Maine.

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Cool things to do around the Bay Area this weekend.

Music & Dance
I just discovered the San Francisco LovEvolution which is happening this Saturday, October 3rd, 2009
“America’s biggest dance movement event” www.sflovevolution.org

To find live music in Marin and all around  the Bay Area check out www.marinlocalmusic.com

Happy Hour
Cafe Flore in San Francisco (near the Castro) is my favorite place for Happy Hour! I was there last Saturday night and had the 2 for $5 Cosmo special! www.cafeflore.com Molly makes awesome Cosmos! They have different special every night.

Mellow Marin ***Update Feb 2012*** Teapod is no longer in business in San Anselmo but there is a cool new coffee shop in this same location.
If you are looking for a more mellow weekend. How about taking a stroll in San Anselmo and drinking some tea. I just discovered the Teapod this week and loved it! It’s an Organic Tea Bar. I had lunch there with my new friend Marilyn. The salad was delicious and the tea was really good! I had a green chai tea latte. The place is so relaxing. Doesn’t this picture just make you relax?

After you go to the Teapod make sure to stop by Gioia’s and say hi.

Petaluma
Looking for something new and original to do? How about visiting a farm! Tara Firma Farms is a cool place to visit!

The Marin Interfaith Council will be hosting a movie night at First Presbyterian Church of San Rafael. Come watch the documentary and join in a discussion about the movie Anyone and Everyone. “Connected by having a son or daughter who is gay, parents across the country discuss their experiences in the documentary Anyone and Everyone. Filmmaker Susan Polis Schutz depicts families from all walks of life and diverse origins and faith traditions.” The First Presbyterian Church of San Rafael is located at 1510 Fifth Avenue in San Rafael.

The film will be shown on August 17th at 7:00pm.

No charge. Please RSVP to admin@marinifc.org

View more information about the film here.